she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
