I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
