Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
