She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
