I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
