A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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