I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
