so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
