The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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