Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
