I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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