Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
