Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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