White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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