what day is it and did you see me today?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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