Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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