this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Congratulations! We have a period
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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