I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
