Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
