you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
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