First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
