Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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