Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
sarcasm needs its own font
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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