I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
