I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Its about making memories worth repressing
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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