Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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