I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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