if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
