If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just googled if crying burns calories
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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