be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
