God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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