Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Do vagina's smell?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Randomize
