I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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