Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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