I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
