I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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