One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
