You're a womanizer and a bitch.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
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Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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