Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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