my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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