yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
