alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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