The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
