my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
