i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
