The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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