First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
