you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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