I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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