I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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