I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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