Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
