YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
