Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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