Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
