my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
