I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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