Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
